A Hair Raising Tale
by Evil Demon Warrior Bunny
Summary: The Bi-Weekly Meeting of The Society of Those Afflicted with Unusually Colored Hair commences. Ichigo and Renji attempt to join. Humorous oneshot.


**So…**

**Let me be frank. I have NO idea where this came from. It just popped into my brain and screamed, "Write me! Write me!" until I was forced to either give in to its demands or go permanently deaf.**

**You can see my dilemma.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this…whatever it is.**

**Summary: The Bi-Weekly Meeting of The Society of Those Afflicted with Unusually Colored Hair commences. Ichigo and Renji attempt to join.

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**

Szayel Apollo Granz looked around the not-so-crowded room and banged his gavel on the podium. It wasn't really _necessary_ for him to have a gavel, per say, considering that there were only seven other people in the room and they were all staring at him raptly, but he just wanted to have a gavel. He liked the sound it made.

Also, it reminded him of the act of beating small children over the head. But this was Szayel Apollo Granz, and we don't talk about his personal fetishes. Because he would kill us.

Moving on.

The meeting, for The Society of Those Afflicted with Unusually Colored Hair, was to commence today on the subject of new membership. Generally, Szayel was very open on who he allowed in. Even the blue-haired freak, Grimmjow, was a member.

Today's applicants, however…

Szayel turned away, muttering to himself.

This lack of leadership techniques didn't seem to really bother the rest of the club. Yachiru, for one, seemed to welcome the break. She demonstrated this in her own unique way.

"OOH!" the girl shouted, jumping up and down. "Let's get some candy!" This proclamation was greeted with cheers by a full half of the remaining company. Nell giggled. Mashiro clapped her hands. Lilynette gave a sort of squeal.

Grimmjow, by contrast, looked slightly sickened.

"I feel sick," he announced to the room at large, never one to hide his feelings. Nor to use complex phrases like 'slightly sickened.' 'Sick' would do perfectly find, thankyouverymuch.

Yoruichi smirked at him. Hachi sat back and watched in vague amusement.

Szayel continued to bang his gavel and cackle.

"You know," Yoruichi said after a suitable pause, "I find it odd that a full two thirds of the pink haired membership of this club is male." She glanced pointedly at Hachi, who smiled benignly, and Szayel, who wasn't really paying attention.

"I mean," she continued, "There are, what, three pink haired people in this group? And only Yachiru's a girl. As a matter of fact," she went on, obviously liking this new vein, "since there are only three males here, you could say that two thirds of all _males_ have _pink_ hair." She smirked. "Mmm?"

Grimmjow glared.

"Yeah well," he retorted, "_your_ hair is _purple_!"

In the background, Lilynette brought out a giant box of games. The other three girls squealed.

"I wasn't actually talking to you," Yoruichi informed Grimmjow, pointedly ignoring the gigglers. "Anyway, your hair is _blue_."

"It's cyan."

"It's definitely blue."

"It's cyan, bitch!"  
"I wonder if we could play Twister!"

"SHUT UP!"

This last was from Szayel, who no one had really been paying attention to until now. Granted, it was not a particularly _commanding_ exclamation, considering it was awkwardly high-pitched and feminine. Yoruichi gave a polite titter behind her hand.

Grimmjow guffawed.

Szayel glared at the company and continued.

'Today is an auspicious day in the history of our society," he told the assembled. "So desist with this meaningless chatter and _sit down_." He directed this last remark particularly at Grimmjow, who was still laughing, and at the younger girls, who had started to play Candyland.

Neither group paid him any attention.

"As I was saying, reprobates," Szayel continued to Yoruichi and Hachi, "we have received applications from two new prospective members today. Their names are—" he checked the register, "—Ichigo Kurosaki and Renji Abarai." He paused a moment while this set in. Then: "You _must_ be joking."

"I have a question," Grimmjow interrupted. Szayel glared. The Sexta Espada seemed to take that as an invitation to continue, for he went on. "Why are you the leader here? I outrank you."

Szayel sneered at him. "Only an idiot such as yourself would bother to ask such a pointless question. Really, you astound me, _Grimmjow_. _Obviously_ I am the leader because I am the smartest one here. My genius reaches levels that your pitiful brain can only pretend to have the capacity to _dream_ of. In short, I am the perfect leader for this club. _You _would merely debase it with your very presence."

Grimmjow blinked. He wasn't quite sure what the Octava Espada had just said, but he was pretty sure he was being insulted.

Hachi raised a hand slightly. "Excuse me, Mr. Granz," he murmured, "but shouldn't you stay away from the concept of perfection? I heard that it didn't go so well for you last time…"

Yoruichi was hard pressed to keep from guffawing just like Grimmjow.

The door behind Szayel opened before he could think of a suitably scathing comeback for the kidou master, and the orange haired Ichigo and red haired Renji strode in. Szayel took one look at them and said, "NO."

Ichigo gaped. "_What_?!?"

"Your hair, O Unworthy One, is orange. Lots of people have orange hair. No."

"Dude," Ichigo countered, "we live in _Japan_! _No one_ has orange hair in Japan."

"If we started including everyone in this fandom who does not look Japanese, we would have a lot more members than we do," Szayel pointed out. "No." Ichigo deflated.

Now, apparently, it was Renji's turn to step up to the plate. "Hey," he said, "You gotta admit that _this_ is not a natural shade. I deserve to be in."

"If we let _you_ in, we would have to allow that Jinta brat in, too," said Szayel. "We don't accept children."

Behind him, Mashiro threw a marble at Nell's head and burst into tears.

"…As I was saying, we don't accept anyone under the age of ten," Szayel continued as if nothing had happened. "So sorry, but no. Bye bye!"

He slammed the door in their faces.

Ichigo and Renji blinked.

"Maybe we could start our own club," Renji suggested after a few minutes of cursing and failed attempts to kick the door down. "Society of Those with Really Spiky Hair," or "Society for Those who Have Nicknames That are Fruit."

"So, us then?" Ichigo asked dryly.

"We could give _other_ people nicknames," Renji protested. "Like, Taichou could be 'Banana,' and Inoue-san could be 'Melon!'"

"…" said Ichigo.

"_What_?"

Ichigo shook his head. "Nothing…" he murmured.

_Back inside…_

"…And thus concludes the Bi-Weekly Meeting of The Society of Those Afflicted with Unusually Colored Hair," Szayel finished. "You can all leave now."

No one moved.

"_Leave_."

Yachiru stood on her head, to general applause.

Szayel hit himself on the head with his gavel and wondered, yet again, what on _earth_ had possessed him to choose _his laboratory_ as a meeting spot.

He must be insane.

Really, it was the only explanation.

* * *

**So, I finished writing this and I thought, 'Gee! Hachi has no lines! This is not optimal!'**

**Seriously. That's how I think.**

**Anyway, I added the little section where Szayel insults Grimmjow to make up for that. As a result, Hachi has (wait for it) _one_ line. Woo. Hey, it puts him on par with all the girls, so…**

**Anyhow…yup. That was it. It seemed…er…funnier in my head. But if you got even a smidgen of enjoyment out of it, please comment and tell me so.**

**Also, I'm thinking of writing a sequel about The Society of Those Afflicted with Unusually Colored Eyes or something. However, I, as a manga-only-person, have little to no knowledge of the colors of characters' eyes. Therefore I implore _you_, dear readers, to help me! If you know of any characters that have eyes that are red, orange, purple, gold, pink, etc, etc, multicolored, or just a particularly odd shade of blue, please tell me in a review! I gravel at your feet. (Oh, obscure Lion King references. How I adore you.)**

**Until next time, my children!**

**~EDWB**

**PS. Anyone else notice that the word counter for this sight is totally screwed up? I bold a couple things and add line breaks and it bumps me up a hundred and fifty words.  
**


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